The paradox of unconditional love. Why wanting the best can bring out our worst.
No parent plans to get angry but it happens. No parent plans to lose their temper at their kid’s game but it happens. And no parent plans to scream vulgar obscenities at the stranger wearing black and white stripes but it just happens.
Afterward, we feel awful and embarrassed. We apologize profusely while swearing that what just happened is not the type of behavior you would ever condone at your home. And no matter the size nor sincerity of the apology, it’s too late. The scene has been recorded in your child’s head only to be replayed a few hundred times while they try to make sense of the behavior.
At the center of this critical situation or perhaps more accurately noted, at the end of the index finger lies us parents.
The picture being painted regarding the state of youth sports today is not admiral, nor a pretty one. The drawing depicts kids (players) wearing professional kits but their faces depict sadness and frustration. The normally loving, supportive parents instead seem both perturbed and eager to pounce on whoever, whatever gets in their kid’s path to perceived greatness. The veteran coach whose typically demeanor exudes confidence looks distresses, reeking of anxiousness while passing the hungry mob of parents that await. And the referees, well they are not seen within this picture because they have all gone extinct.
Does this image align with your hope for youth sports today? Do you see yourself or someone you know within this depiction? Of course, you don’t. When we hear or read stories about outrageous behavior from parents, we never seriously consider that we would ever act out in such a disturbing manner. We wonder how any parent could ever let things get so out of control. We search for the why while make sure we indemnify ourselves in the stories we share regularly in group text chains.
We all want the same things for our kids. For them to grow up to love and be loved, follow their dreams, find success and have fun. Mostly, though, we want them to be happy and healthy.
Step on a sports field and sadly these endearing mindsets of wants routinely get replaced with a razor focus on results outcomes. The definition of success is correlated to numbers on a scoreboard and/or stat books. Unknowingly with fervor, our behaviors transform from loving parents to insecure, ego-driven creatures who breathe obscenities and make unfair comparisons. We reward achievements, demote free play, and instead of enjoying the success and failures that go along with the learning process, we abandon our parental compasses of what we want for our kids at that moment.
This leads to a simple question: Why do we make our kids so crazy from the sidelines?
The answer, however, is not so simple. It’s complex because it involves both our primary emotions; love and fear.
Parents of today’s generation are often hyper-focused on improving our kids outcome rather than simply enjoying the success and failures that go along with the learning process.
As a coach, I believe the number one goal in youth sports is fun above all. In fact, I believe fun should also be rule 2, 3, 4, etc. I believe kids learn best through play. I believe kids in play, learn how to learn. I believe in patience. I believe that every kid must be coached differently than the next because kids develop physically, mentally, emotionally at different rates. I believe in focusing on praising kids effort versus how the goal(s) they scored. I believe the focus needs to be on the journey not the destination.
As a parent, though I fully understand and agree with the coaching philosophy above, I self-admittedly struggle to successfully implement that game-plan when it comes to my own kids.
That’s because I love my kids.
My commitment to my kids is the single largest and most important investment I will ever make in my life. Say more here. What do you hope for them? What do you worry about? What’s your anxiety, if/when you feel like your kid isn’t focused on the field?
We see ourselves playing a huge role in our kids' ability to succeed. Plainly speaking, when we see a challenge coming our kids way, we not only want to be there for support, often we want to be there to solve it for them or at least make sure they internalize all of the lessons learned.
Similar to parents of my generation, I find myself hyper-focused on improving my son’s outcome rather than simply enjoying the success and failures that go along with the learning process. More insight here… what do you want to achieve? What do you want to protect your kids from? Why do you want to make them perfect in a sports context? My quest for perfection and accomplishment often blinds my ability to actually coach enjoy the journey with him. The result, high levels of frustration on both ends that invariably lead to Union like strikes, thus ceasing all activity like playing catch in the backyard.
But I fear… maybe you get to this above, but you set this section up with love + fear, so make sure you speak to both. I’ve learned this lesson. Here’s the answers.
So what do we do? It’s hard to fight past our instinct
The answer, age yourself. Act like a grandparent.
When asked who they want most to attend their games, most kids say their grandparents. Why? Grandparents don't criticize, analyze after the game. Instead, they listen and encourage. Even when shots are missed, games lost, grandparents support their grandchildren unconditionally. So if you want to become the kind of person your child wants to be around after the big game, you best age yourself.
Here are a few tips and tricks that hopefully will guide you.
Tell them you ‘love to watch them play’. Resist providing analysis of their play that day.
Praise their efforts not the results.
Focus on the fun, not the scoreboard. Always.
‘Comparison is the thief of joy’. Resist it at all costs.
As we begin gearing up and getting excited for the upcoming lacrosse sports season, please remember your child’s performance and/or the outcome of the game has nothing to do with you. When you feel the urge to yell or direct, pause, think about when it’s your kids turn to be on the sidelines and ask yourself, is my behavior one that I hope they will model or be embarrassed by.